Everyone here wants to tell their story. Some like me want to just reach out to people who are not a part of the everyday life. People who have already formed a set notion about me and my personality are not invited to like this blog and most of them won’t know there exists an entity such as this. It s a nice way to let out the whatever it is that makes all of us pour our hearts out to a piece of metal and plastic and expect it to share our musings with the rest of the world.
I have wondered about a lot of things of late, probably because I am in the middle of so much work load that I don’t want to work but sit and wonder and introspect. That’s what happens to everyone I suppose. We procrastinate till we are so close to the doomsday that our brain has to, knowing well in advance, undergo a surge of pain and over work and sleepless nights. This does not guarantee our work will be done but still this is something that we don’t improve over. Maybe you do, I still don’t. Take for example the day we had an exam. It wasn’t a thing to be taken lightly but there I was sitting with the guy I am secretly in love with because if it’s choosing between love and grades I am sure Shakespeare would also suggest choose love. I give the example of Shakespeare because he understands how stupid can love make you. As can be imagined the result of the exam was not so great and I am still very single so that’s that.
Something else that I generally think about these days– the importance of belonging. In my country, everyone is from somewhere. You are either a North Indian or a South Indian or a Punjabi or a Tamilian or a Brahman or a Hindu or a something. When asked where am I from I resort to humor and answer everywhere and nowhere. Technically I am from Rajasthan, land of royals, but I am not a Rajasthani because I was born and brought up there but my parents come from different parts of the country. Father belongs to Uttar Pradesh and Mother to Punjab. Being an army child my mother has lived and imbibed qualities of a lot of places whereas my dad remains, to this day, a small town simple man. Even though they have both amassed a lot of name and respect for themselves they remain “amma” and “daddy” for me. Back to the point (I guess you understand I love my parents)….Yea so I was saying, I am a mixed breed and have been given the look of ‘Oh no…Poor child doesn’t have a place to belong to.’ But then I think is it really so bad? I lost interest in religion and everything associated with it long back which in my case makes me feel all the more like a wayfarer, drifting through life. There is nothing to my world I feel and nothing to yours as well. In India you will see a million types of people (what do expect when the population of the country itself is more than 1.2 billion).But funnily enough, they are all the same no matter where they come from and yet caught up in trying to be so different because they don’t have an option. They have lived for so long trying to draw those boundaries and distinguish themselves from each other; either for tax benefits or some extra governmental privileges or just for the fuck of it, that its set in their very soul to distinguish themselves from others maybe so that they don’t get lost in crowd.
So yea since I don’t have that feeling of belonging I feel lost. I have no culture to fight for which has made me apathetic to everything and everyone. I have a strong sense of belonging to my country. Don’t get me wrong, with all it’s faults and frailties I still love being here. But within there’s a constant disparity which I wish could be removed or curtailed to some extent.
Only 23 years old and I already feel like the world is extremely pointless and we should all just go and sit at the Himalayan peaks and meditate. But then again I am probably getting this feeling because I have to submit a major project tomorrow and I am not done with shit.